Dear Journal,
Today I went to a farm on a date and saw the cutest pig ever! The owner of the farm said his name was “Alex,” to which I chuckled to myself, since human names on animals always tickled my funny bone. My date said he looked like he would taste delicious, so I did what any good Pastafarian boy would… I told her there was a pair of Fug Boots filled with a Pumpkin Spice latte in the pig pen, to which she jumped right in and started wallowing, trying to locate these precious items.
While she was distracted, I asked Alex Pig to run away with me, he gave me a warm nod, acknowledging that we shall be together forever. While the owner of the farm’s back was turned, I scooped Alex in my arms, and ran away… I didn’t get far because the farmer’s wife caught me with her strong farmer hands, took Alex Pig back in one, and threw my butt out of the farm with the other.
Since that day on, I’ve been visiting Alex Pig dressed in a sombrero and a balaclava on a regular basis. Today was the 100th visit, and am still building my Trojan Pig to sneak Alex out in, because sweet yeezus, these farm visits are adding up!!