Category: Character Introductions

I FEEL SO UNPREPARED! My first class of comedy medical school starts in last than a half hour, and I’m not even close to ready! I better think of my excuses right away… Uhm, I overslept! My mom ate my alarm clock! I ran out of beans! Okay one of those should do. I’m feeling better now. I can finally concentrate on getting prepared.

I guess a good first step would be to get out of bed. There, I totally got up. My first victory of the day. Now to complete my usual morning routine in record time whilst letting my mind ponder…

This world is such a bizarre place. Newsanchor Bunny (the top-rated bunny news anchor) says that a record number of law enforcers are quitting their jobs and are switching to comedy medicine, which means I’ll probably have some former cops in my class. I wonder why though! Something about an evil genius scientist who –

I just realized I’ve been brushing my belly button instead of my teeth. Wow I know it’s not toothpaste’s intended use, but wow my naval never smelled so fresh! Anyways, some evil scientist apparently is gradually opening weird “interdimensional portals” around the world. Newsanchor Bunny (voted top bunny at this year’s News Anchor pageant) thinks it might be just the beginning before something insanely catastrophic happens. Interdimensional…? Maybe that explains Cerberus, the evil 3-headed dog that just moved in next door. I’m sure I’ll be careful not to lose things over that fence…

Tarnations! How did I end up back in bed! It’s just so flipflappin’ comfy here. Plus I’m not used to having such an annoying obligation. I don’t know if I really want to be a comedy doctor. I just feel like I need to be one because that’s what everyone told me growing up. They’re all like, “Blah blah handsome Alex. Comedy medicine is a quickly changing field and I know that you’re sure to shake things up with your handsome and unique brand of humor and catchphrases!” So I figure I should say to myself what I said to all of them: I’ll try harder than a waffle salesman on free flapjack day!

…zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz…

Been a mystery, my life always has. Known my parents or if I ever had any siblings, I have not. Remember much of my childhood at all, nor do I. Fuzzy, the details are. The inner workings of the brain are fascinating and such a mystery, I have realized. I finally decided to enroll at MMUCMs at long last, that’s why. Fascinated with the brain, I continue to be. I hope to make countless breakthroughs in the field of neuro-comedy, in my future career. Finally unravel the mystery of my memory loss and my bizarre sentence-patterning, then I can. Wait, I cannot.

Remember the immortal words of the famous Dr. Ticklemeisterstein, I just need to.

“The best medicine, laughter is.”

Ok! I have my notebooks organized, I ate a protein-rich breakfast, and am feeling ready to take on the day! Eeee! I’m couldn’t be more excited! I’m attending my dream college, working toward my dream career, and I know it’s only been a couple days but I can definitely tell I have the most perfect roommate, Lucy! She and I get along so well. I remember just yesterday when we were organizing our dorm, she told me I could keep ALL my shiny decorations on my side! I tried to tell her I had enough for both of us, but she insisted I have twice as much for myself. Keep in mind I can’t really see them when they’re on my own wall beside me, but I see her  staring at them ALL THE TIME. She must love my decorations so much. I actually think I saw her looking at them last night and crying a little bit. On an unrelated note they glow in the dark.

Why do I want to be a comedy doctor, you ask? Well, person living inside my brain, I still remember when I was 4 years old. My poor grandpa was in so much pain. He decided to resume his pro wrestling career at the age of 92 to help pay the bills. He was writhing. The comedy doctor showed up, she made us all laugh, and about 2 weeks later my grandpa was given a clean bill of health and he still wrestles to this day! I think he’s facing off against a really buff moose this Sunday. That comedy doctor was such a terrific woman and made it look so easy. It really made me think that one day I can be funny too.

I just can’t stop talking about Lucy though. She and I are already best of friends. It’s really no coincidence either. She has no clue but I actually snuck into the Admissions department here a few months ago disguised as a computer wizard, and told them all to ABRA KA-GET OUT! I sat at their computer and meticulously sorted through every young woman accepted into MMUCMS until I realized that Lucy was the perfect match. She isn’t distracted by boys, she doesn’t have a current best friend (the slot is open for me!), and lastly and most importantly she has a peanut allergy too. That’s what I call magic. And it’s all thanks to me, the computer wizard and soon to be comedy doctor!

Eeee! Let’s get started!

 

I didn’t choose the box life. The box life chose me. I mean, yeah of course I have a tragic backstory to explain why I live in a box. A story so sad it’d make anyone’s box swell up with tears and fall apart. But this isn’t the time to focus on that. It’s time to focus on the first day of class! Through my hard work and ambitions today I take my gigantic first step toward a career. And that career is…!

Shoot, what am I going to school for? I can’t believe I forgot! I know I relocated my box to MMUCMS, which stands for…!

UHG, I can’t remember that either! Think, Kyle, think! MMUCMS…Something something University of Comedic Medical Studies! A ha! That’s right, I wanna be a comedy doctor! It’s my lifelong dream!… Other than being a famous rockstar, actor, philanthropist, and co-owner of a restaurant that serves breakfast all day. This is definitely my calling in life. I can feel it in my bones, which I look forward to learning the names of.

It’s a long, long road ahead but I’m sure this is the career goal that will make everything turn around for me. Maybe I can finally stop living in a box outdoors, and buy a nice house in the suburbs where my box and I can live together in peace, harmony, and centralized air conditioning. That’d be so sweet.

Oh, I think I hear people walking over. I guess that’s my cue. Time for class!

‘Tis be the dawn of comedy medical school. Schoolero numero uno. Heheh that sounds like that trivia guy on my phone. Y’know who, what’s his name… The one with the face…and the teeth! Heh, I can’t stand him.

This morning walk is far too pleasant. I mean, look up! Blue sky and clouds. Look down! Dirt and inedible worms. Where is the conflict? The danger? The –UH OH! FEMALES!!!

Nobody informed me there are girls at colleges! Oh but do I call them girls or women? Do I bow and let them pass or is that way too creepy? I’ll just act like a statue as they walk by.

…

I think that went well. Ok I take it all back! I like having no conflict! I just want to go to class, learn some good stuff, and go back to my dorm and watch anime. Nice and straightforward. Besides, I heard lots of comedy medicine involves using the KISS method – ‘keep it simple, stOOpid!’ That means I can’t overthink anything! Ever! I probably shouldn’t even think ever!

I feel so nervous now! How did I decide I wanted to be a Comedy Doctor again? I mean sure I like helping people through laughter, but who doesn’t? I remember during my interview here at MMUCMS I actually tickled the interviewer until they granted my acceptance. I figured they were laughing, so that meant I was funny! I stopped when they told me I was actually torturing them, but only after I got my acceptance letter signed and dated. Hah!

Ok self-assurance reobtained. Let’s do this!

Alright, me! It’s day one of class. Day one…sounds so nice. It’s a new beginning with new goals. And I’m going to be one heck of a comedy doctor. I’m gonna comedy doctor so hard they’ll be laughing all the way to the blood bank! But boy oh boy, I hope I’m not in over my head with this. Studying comedy medicine is SO different from my last career, it’s gonna be a rough adjustment! Look at me…saving lives in such different ways. From busting perps on the streets with my obnoxious partner Blair to treating the sick after only these 4 years of comedy medical school…plus at least 3 more years for a residency…and up to 4 more years for a fellowship. But from there on I’m living the dream! Wait who is that up ahead? That young woman-squirrel looks just like my ex-partner Blair! Don’t tell me she’s attending MMUCMS too!? She needs to stay out of my life! Sheesh!

But anyway, It’s the education that sounds so exciting though! That means I’ll be meeting new people, hopefully making some new friends, and making the goofiest videos and skits imaginable. And my imagination goes pretty far…because I’ve seen some craaazy stuff, man.

Oh wow look at all the nervous faces! Should I be nervous? Nah, it’s too nice of a day to worry. Wow I totally forgot my roommate Matt is walking right next to me. He’s been talking to me this entire time I’ve been having this inner monologue. Uh oh, he stopped talking. Now he’s looking at me. He must want me to say or do something. I’ll just nod my head…Oh good, he’s talking again.