Dear Journal,
Today was absolutely beyond average! I went into a dilapidated mansion, that was strangely coated from top to bottom in cobwebs, I tried looking for some delicious spiders to eat, but couldn’t find a single one… Or at least I couldn’t immediately, but that one… Meh, I’ll get to that in a minute.
While walking around spider hunting, I just kept hearing this noise that was like, “Foop! Foop!” I thought it might’ve been one of those barking spiders, which started to make my mouth water, but then upon discovering where the sound was coming from, turned out to be just a barking dog… A sweet, delicious looking dog… Unfortunately though, he was too cute to eat, but I was totally eating him with my eyes! He also seemed a little intellectually disabled, and who the heck am I to hurt something that doesn’t understand how to spell the letter “A.”
In the end, I took the dog with me out of the house… While leaving I saw the biggest, most delicious spider my eyes could’ve ever laid their gaze on! I swear, it was like a 71 pointer! Sadly, with my hands full of dog, I’ll have to come back another time for that delicious spider, I just hope no one beats me to it first!
Matt Dubya meets Snips from Beyond Average
Dear Journal,
Today I went to get a haircut and had a really… Well… Quirky hairdresser, to say the least…
The fellow went by the name of “Snips,” I asked him if that was his first name or last name, to which he mentioned that was his “only name.” After our strange introduction, I proceeded to do what every normal customer getting a haircut does: never talks, always looks down, and prays for the session to be over as soon as possible.
Snips eyes appeared as though they were bugging out of his head, and his fashion was well… Let’s just say it didn’t leave much to the imagination since his torso was pretty, and that’s an understatement, bare… It reminds me of an indie holiday movie from a long time ago for some strange reason… Anyway, as Snips continued being like a meat man and butchering my hair, I noticed he used two scissors and was not holding any hair with his visible fingers like most hair stylists and barbers do. “It looks like you’re having trouble evening out my lopsided head, maybe you should try using one scissor and your delicate, albino looking hands you got there…” I suggested nicely, to which Snips stated delicately, “I have no hands, only scissors…”
After my head was finished being mangled, I thanked Snips for the “unique” hairdo. He bowed, and then stuck out his hand for a tip. Whoever let this one out of the loony bin is totally a few noodles short of a pasta salad themselves!
Matt Dubya Meets Alex Pig from SMPR
Dear Journal,
Today I went to a farm on a date and saw the cutest pig ever! The owner of the farm said his name was “Alex,” to which I chuckled to myself, since human names on animals always tickled my funny bone. My date said he looked like he would taste delicious, so I did what any good Pastafarian boy would… I told her there was a pair of Fug Boots filled with a Pumpkin Spice latte in the pig pen, to which she jumped right in and started wallowing, trying to locate these precious items.
While she was distracted, I asked Alex Pig to run away with me, he gave me a warm nod, acknowledging that we shall be together forever. While the owner of the farm’s back was turned, I scooped Alex in my arms, and ran away… I didn’t get far because the farmer’s wife caught me with her strong farmer hands, took Alex Pig back in one, and threw my butt out of the farm with the other.
Since that day on, I’ve been visiting Alex Pig dressed in a sombrero and a balaclava on a regular basis. Today was the 100th visit, and am still building my Trojan Pig to sneak Alex out in, because sweet yeezus, these farm visits are adding up!!